Milestones

Coldest day. Biggest bunch. Best smelling winner. It was a day of firsts and milestones as the Wednesday “Tour de Alps” got back into full swing.

As the bunch continued to swell at the start, first disappointment of the day was when Wazza appeared out of the mist, not on his bike, but in his daggy dad tracksuit. Hard man reputation well and truly shattered he was last seen wandering off into the darkness muttering something about madness…

A cautious bunch navigated their way through town, conscious of ice and errant car drivers before settling into a steady tempo up the Eureka st. drag. It was here that Simmo showed that you can take the boy out of Maffra, but you can’t take the Maffra out of the boy, as too many sessions on the fish, chips and dim sims, took its toll half way up and the big fellow dropped off the pace. More on that later.

A regrouping at the top of the climb saw the bunch heading to the highway together but cross it in two halves. A small group rolling into the distance while the rest of the bunch waited for the heavy breathing, farting and heart palpitating Simmo to once again get back on.

The turn into Humfrray, brought the realization that Crystal Cranks was nowhere to be seen. It was surmised that he was perhaps playing out a fiendish plan to beat the group to the sprint zone for sneaky burst into a hollow victory. This led to a quick change in route to confound the soft-peddling unisexer.

The sprint was interesting and perhaps the most stylish affair that we have seen for a while, with Au de Cologne, after being led out by big brother, taking the win but not before a late challenge from an equally stylish Matt Hanlon who was making his first appearance. In the battle of the swarthy Hollywood types, Hanlon’s push came to an end at about the same time as the other major challenger (the rich kid with all the gear) that was on the sweet smelling ones wheel. Pompadillo put in a late charge through the traffic, but while closing fast, he was not able to overcome a man refreshed after a week of romantic sunsets and foot massages. Hanlon along with almost everyone else in the bunch claimed to be working for “The Ace” today, but the new bike kid was once again let down by his debilitating performance anxiety, an affliction that has impacted on him at key moments of excitement since his early years.

Back at the Lake View the attention turned, as it inevitably does, to Crystal Cranks – where was he and what had happened?

It did not take long for the answer to be revealed, as our brightly coloured comrade waddled through the door displaying a large amount of camel toe.

In the most serious of tones he explained how he had turned around at Compassion St. (Looking for a grunting Simmo), had ridden for a while along Frustration Road, before finding himself lost and confused on Anger Avenue. Finally he got some perspective as he meandered along the High Moral Ground, before plunging painfully into Relentless Piss Taking Valley.

So Runge takes out the inaugural “Babychino” award and moves into short odds to win the “Golden Dummy” at the end of the year.
Next week stands to be another cracker.