There was a gangster movie in the 80’s that got shit canned called “Trigger Happy”. I actually quite liked it, in particular a character named Ben London played by Gabriel Byrne.
At one point he is challenged by the mob boss with the comment “Ben you don’t have the balls”, to which he angrily replies: “I don’t have the balls? I’ve got balls of brass! I’m balls of brass Ben London!”
Now whatever you might think of Lance Armstrong, and lets face it, Lance is a fucked up prick, you could not say that he hasn’t shown some balls, or in his case some ball, for he would be ball of brass Lance Armstrong.
So in the sorry story that has played out what are the balls of the other players looking like?
Pro Cyclists that rode with and against Lance – Ball-less. Has there ever been a more dickless group of human beings than the majority of pro cyclists over the last 15 years? Their willingness to be bullied and intimidated by Lance is a perfect demonstration of why bad things happen in the world. The ball-less just pretend it isn’t happening. When the shit finally hits the fan there is more ducking and weaving than in a Sugar Ray Leonard fight (we’ll come back to him). Boys go and have a chat to Nicole Cooke about how to show some balls.
Cycling Journalists – Worse than Ball-Less. Kids here is a tip. When someone says something to the effect of “it’s not really like work to me. I get payed for doing what I love”, stand back and have a good look at them. What you are looking at is a soft cock. Work is not meant to be doing what you love. It is meant to be work and that means it entails doing some things that are hard, that have a cost and that you wish you didn’t have to do. Cycling is full of people doing what they love and when they needed to stand up they had no spine. They first say “we were deceived” and then when they see that the monster has been chained they lay the boots in. What a bunch of muppets. Paul Kimmage and David Walsh should parade their balls with pride in the land of the no balled wankers.
Everyone Else – It depends. The person with the biggest balls in this story does not actually have balls. Betsy Andreu has got tennis ball sized cajones. She reminds me of a clip I once saw of a wildebeest and its child attacked by lions. The mother sends a message that is clear to the viewer and to the lions -“I will do whatever it takes to defend my child” and she does. Betsy seems to have said “I will do whatever it takes to defend the truth” and she did. That demands respect. And that’s the irony. Lance Armstrong does not have balls like Betsy has, he just has no heart. Having balls and being heartless are two different things.
The greatest lightweight boxer of all time is “the hands of stone”, Roberto Duran. He could have been the “balls of stone” because he certainly had a pair. If you want to see what real balls look like, watch the first fight between Duran and Sugar Ray. He keeps coming and coming and his eyes say “I will do what it takes”. His reaction at the end of the fight could be seen as unsportsmanlike, or it could just be the reality of having giant balls. Duran quit his second fight with Leonard, when Sugar Ray started showboating. He said “I’m not fighting this clown” and quit – He didn't play games. The fight was beneath the size of his balls.
Duran had another side. He gave most of his money away to the poor of his country and this meant that he kept fighting into his 50’s. That was OK, fighting was what he did. But the greatness of Duran was best shown outside of the ring. When he learned that one of his great opponents Estaban DeJesus was dying of aids, Duran visited. He hugged and kissed his old rival in tears. Little known about the transmission of the disease at that time and he may have been at risk. Roberto Duran had balls, and he had a heart. He was a giant. Betsy Andreu is a giantess.
Balls without a heart is a reptile. Lance Armstrong.
