Hard Hitting Interview

Sprocket Talk with Antony Tanman

Today we are lucky to get the chance to talk to stage winner of this mornings race, Pepe Pompadillo, to get his insights into the ride, the ICCC and cycling in general.

Antony Tanman – Hi Pepe, great ride this morning, but things seemed to get a bit messy. What happened out there?
Pepe Pompadillo – The usual bullshit. Lack of communication, poor leadership and a whole lot of guff about the “vibe”. It was generally a debacle.

AT – But you came through OK?
PP – Well when I get that type of leadout, I have no choice but to do it for my teammates. The General was unbelievable today, he took us through the roundabouts perfectly and had me in a great position as we came to the sprint. I couldn’t let him down.

AT – Who else was there at the end?
PP – Just a couple of Muppets. One old bloke who was trying to push way too big a gear out of the turns, and another bloke with a strange straight back riding action. I don’t know what happened to the rest.

AT – Tell me about the ICCC? What is its future?
PP – Look I think the ICCC has been a victim of its own success. There are management problems at the top end that really need to be sorted out if it’s going to be sustainable in the future. There are governance issues that need to be a priority. Policy and procedure frameworks that are matched to appropriate compliance mechanisms are a matter of urgency. It’s going to really need someone to step up.

AT – Who do you think is in a position to do that?
PP – Look it’s not easy. You need someone with high level skills in organisation and people management, but also someone who can be an assertive leader when this is required. Someone that can make the hard calls and then stand by them, but who is also prepared to roll their sleeves up and get stuck into the policies. There is only one person I can think of with that type of capacity?
AT – Yes??
PP – Bradley “The General” Fry. If he was willing to do it.

AT – OK, tell us a little bit about yourself. I can’t help but notice that you are often disparaging about your penis size and sexual function. What is that all about?
PP – I call it my “worst foot forward” technique. Get your failings out in the open and they cease to be debilitating. I learnt it when I was a kid and I used to get called “wingnut” for a week when I got my haircut, or sometimes it was “Dumbo”. I cut my hair really short, got a lot of shit for a week and then people forgot about it.

AT – So penis size?
PP – Look it’s really not an issue and besides, my hands are relatively small so it looks quite big compared to them.

AT – Who do you fear the most in the ICCC?
PP – Well of course there is the Mammoth. He and I have both had our battles with the bulge, but when we are both off the pies, we are about the same standard. His brother is improving fast and of course Dicko up the hills. But really I still have a bit to improve so maybe they should be fearing me!

At – How is the weight now?
PP – Just under 90. I have peaked at over 110 and my all time record is about 70, so I am about half way. I have about half a Dicko or a 1/3 Beechy to go. That gives me an edge on the Mammoth, as I reckon he still has a full Dicko.

AT – Tell me about Simmo?
PP – He’s the one that can really step up. He does not recognise his own talent at present but a few months of consistency and he will be flying. Word is he’s off the fish and chips.

AT – Your weight loss tips?
PP – Get of the piss, and don’t eat like a fat prick. Basically give up all the things that you like doing.

AT – Tip for next week?
PP – I will be giving a lead out masterclass, but the guy that has to have a crack is Dicko. I know he is psychologically struggling with his sprint, but I reckon next week is the day for him. I have lost all faith in the Fox, Crystal Cranks and the Ace to ever do anything – shit I hope one of them proves me wrong.

AT – Pepe, it’s been a pleasure.
PP – The pleasure is all mine.

The Power and the Passion

While popular culture would have us believe that the First World War started with the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand by a crazed Serb nationalist, most historians know that the real cause was a broader lust for power and control – human nature really. As Mrs. Pompadillo is fond of pointing out, she only has to take her eye off the ball for a minute and Pepe is putting in a run to annex her Austro-Hungarian.

And so it was this morning with the power vacuum created by the bulk of the ICCC being engaged in other pursuits. The Mammoth was keeping the Ace warm in a cosy snow cave somewhere, Au de Cologne was off on business and Dicko, knowing that the burden of sprint lead-out rested on his shoulders, decided that if he could not win, that he was simply not showing up.

With the confusion that these absences created, someone had to step up, and who should appear out of the mist to assume this role? None other than the mythical hard man of the road, “The General” who had been waiting in exile for his chance to assume the leadership that he has always known was his and which there was now a clear opportunity to reclaim.

Along with Pepe he created what other members of the group termed “The Axis of Weevils”, as first the General and then Pepe led the bunch through Ballarat and up Eureka Street, the smallish group working very well together.

The power couple on the front soon broke down however, when after a week of dodgy gastro-intestinal issues Pepe tried to squeeze out a sneaky fart and came dangerously close to following through. It was only after a close inspection of the chamois when he got home that he could state with certainty that there had been no rectal leakage.

The sprint up the hill off Brewery tap showed that everyone was still going well, even the groups newest member “Exotic Mike” from the Peninsula, who had perhaps found himself with the wrong crew at the lake but went along for the ride anyway.

Turning into the finishing straight, Pepe clenched his sphincter and did his best to lead the sprint out in a way that gave everyone a chance. With 200 to go they were all still there, but when authority needed to be stamped there was one stamper and a whole lot of stampee’s. The General crushed all opposition – most disappointing, Crystal Cranks and the Fox who wallowed in like a couple of limp muppets 5 meters behind the Kaiser, both suffering from a severe case of softcockitis. There is going to be a big call soon for Runge to get back on the Kypo as the move to the new bike has yet to pay any sort of dividend and we know the lad keeps his mind on his money.

But to the victor the spoils - General Fry, we salute you.

“The King is Dead, Long Live the King”



General Brad Fry at the victory presentation.