Monday, July 26, 2010

Hard Men of Cycling - Glasses Version















Lets face it, cycling has become a "cool" sport and the kids getting into it want the look of the tanned legs, the 10k bike and the five hundred dollar shoes. And eyeware is part of the look - who doesn't want a set of new Oakley's in their Christmas stocking?

There was a time however - long before prescription inserts and contact lenses, when eyeware was a necessity rather than a fashion statement for some of the visually challenged members of the peleton.

Thats right cycling has a pretty rich tradition of coke bottle bottom wearers. The fact that a small set left you looking over the top of the rim when you were down in the drops meant that if you were a glasses wearing cyclist you inevitably needed to go "large".

But who was the "hardest" of the glasses wearers? While this seems like an oxymoron, the reality is that two of the hardest nuts to ever push the big ring in anger were of the four eyes club.

But lets get a wimpy, pussy one out of the way first so that we can have the good laugh that this breed usually deserve. Martin Earley was a pasty Irishman who could climb a bit and was your stereotypical glasses wearer in almost every way. He was hyper uncool. If Francesco Moser was at one end of the spectrum in terms of what young cyclists aspired to look like, then Martin was the other. He was just a sad little boy in a mans world and is now largely forgotten.

The next two however pulled off a feat that is truly remarkable. They wore glasses that were so big and dorky looking compared to their gold plated genuine toughness that they were actually endearingly cool in a way that a pair of Rudy Projects will never be.

Jan Raas and Gerrie Knettemen are cycling GODS. They ruled the roost when cycling was for hard men and make no mistake. They were big strong classics riders who turned the big gears and were not afraid to go toe to toe off the bike if this was required. Like Sean Kelly, they both had that otherworldly air of the true essence of cycling. An essence that seems to have been lost in the modern version with its namby pamby white shoes and color coordinated nicks and jerseys.

When I was a kid my uncle gave me a wool Ti Raleigh top. It itched like hell and all the cool kids had new lycra La Vie Claire stuff, so I hid it away in shame and ultimately I think it got tossed. What a fool was I.

What I would do now to be able to wear that top, and you know what, I would wear a pair of coke bottle glasses as a sign of respect for Jan and Gerrie. Those guys didn't care about trying to look cool - they just were.

Standout Bad Hairstyles in Cycling


There have been many notable bad barnet's in cycling over the years. Cippolini's lion king mane, Laurent Brochard's power mullet and Eric Zabel's spikey flattop are three that immediately spring to mind and would no doubt make it to the quarter final stage.

But when you start to get down to the bad of the bad it is hard to split two absolute shockers, both ironically belonging to pint sized climbers. Lucian Van Impe and Robert Miller and towering examples of why young men should not try and blindly follow the latest fashions and why perms are inherently bad.

How the hell are you meant to climb the Tourmelet with a head of hair that looks like it belongs on the shoulders of Barbara Streisand??? Well these two bone heads plummeted down this slippery slope, and rather than a quick concession that they had made a mistake, both laboured on manfully with their look for some time in spite of relentless piss taking. Van Impe even becoming known as "The Woman". This must have been heartbreaking for a Belgian who surely spent his childhood dreaming that he would one day be the "Lion of Flanders".

So while its hard to split, I have to give Van Impe the edge. If you see pictures of him now he is actually quite a good looking guy, who is clearly suited to the short back and sides look. Miller on the other hand would have looked like a dill no matter what type of hairstyle he had and is quite possibly a contender for a spot in a future blog about great ugly men in cycling.

So the winner is Van Impe. To illustrate the point I have chosen a picture after he has succumbed to mounting pressure and clearly "trimmed" the perm. Lucian, you were not fooling anyone.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

How To Intimidate an Opponent

I was once on the starting line ready to start another handicap race. I was riding with a couple of guys who were ultimate "old school". I'm talking got no teeth old school - literally!!!! One of the guys had been a very good rider in his day, but it did appear that he had lost a few marbles over the journey.

With about 1 min before we were due to start he looked at me and said "hold my bike mate". Thinking he was going to adjust his shoes or something I happily complied. But old school didn't adjust his shoes. Instead, he walked over to the grass on the side of the road, pulled his old school nicks down and proceeded to lay a giant turd. Without any type of clean up proceedure he then pulled his shorts up and returned to the line. As he took his bike from me and while I watched the steaming pile over his shoulder, he nonchalantly stated "I can shit faster than I can piss".

I have never been so psyched out in all my life, and believe me, nobody wanted to be on this guys wheel for the next 100k.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

The Day I Rode Against a World Champion


Right from the start I need to say that he was a world champion in a discipline of cycling other than road racing and it was a masters event, but he was a genuine world champion, and I was riding off scratch with him and another guy who had ridden in the Olympics, so I was feeling pretty good about myself.

Unfortunately I had recently received a gift from my mother in the form of a pair of BBB winner "world champion" edition glasses. I had a pretty good look going on with the glasses a new pair of shoes and I was well oiled up. I felt great as I rolled to the start with about a minute to go before our bunch got the nod. As I stood by my bike and got myself sorted Mr. World Champion (MWC) eased up beside me. He kind of starred at me for a second before saying in a slow and emotionless voice - "So you've won a ____ing world championship have ya mate?"

I knew I was in real trouble here and while I tried in vain to conjure a witty one liner, all I could come up with was - "Shit mate, they were a present from me ____ing mum."

The fact that I was 38 at the time meant that this explanation was not a particularly effective way to gain any sort of credibility in the situation.

Great Fat Cyclists of Our Time



Dario Pieri - Ate Cobblestones for Breakfast



If you were to take a quick look at this bloke you would think he was a middle age sales manager who liked early 2000’s Seaco kit for his Sunday morning ride because that was the brand of espresso machine he had just forked out a grand on.

Dario certainly did not look like a professional cyclist even when he was at his best, and believe me his best was very, very good. How good you say? Well how about second in Paris- Roubaix, fifth in Milan-Sanremo and fifteenth in the Ronde all in 2003.

By all accounts a lovely bloke, he suffered with being seen as the new “Ballerini” by the tifosi and obviously didn’t mind getting on the pies. After his stellar 2003, he should have been a big presence in 2004, but he never got it back together and seems to have disappeared after a stint with Lampre in 2005. The picture gives some idea of his “struggles” with forces greater than he could overcome.

And just as an aside - what the hell was going on with those black crotch panels in the Lampre nicks??? Jeez guys!