Cycling "The Rules"

Ok children, listen up as I am going to impart advice that is important to you. “The Rules” of cycling, are bullshit.

That’s right dudes, the rules are bullshit and the people that waffle on about them are wankers –there I have said it.

What we have happening is that some school prefect types have decided that they are the custodian of some mythical “vibe” that they think defines cycling. They have hijacked a shaky high moral ground from which they pontificate about “how things should be”.

Go to any bunch on any day and you will see and hear a whole lot of shit about rules. Some will be made very explicit, and then there will be the particularly bullshit esoteric ones. These are the ones that some wanker will judge you by in his assessment of your quality as a human being. How high and what colour your socks are. Sneer at you wearing the team kit that your kids brought you for Christmas, your pump and where it is stored, the way you wear your glasses, your helmet, your leg warmers.

It’s all bullshit dreamed up by bored middle aged rich gits who secretly think they are some sort of Belgian hard arse. They are not. If there was really any rules they would look like this:

1. Cycling rules are bullshit.

2. Anyone who goes on about cycling rules is a dickhead.

3. Common sense and courtesy are not rules, they are just reasonable ways to live your life. (like your mum told you before you started to think you were some poor man’s Roger De Vlaeminck).

4. That means that you ride and act in a way that minimises the risk to you and those around you and you do this as a point of pride.

5. Wear whatever you feel comfortable in and lets you get out to ride.

6. Ride whatever you want, but if you are trying to make an impression then expect to get both good and bad reactions.

7. Remember that deep dish carbon rims only really work after about 40kph and are a pain in the arse in side winds – if you don’t regularly average over 40, you know what you are.

8. Chuck your Garmin, get off Strava and join your local club – only actually racing makes you a “real” cyclist. Busting your arse feels like busting your arse no matter what the number say. As Dan Coyle says in his book about a one balled doper. "However as Jan Ulrich was fond of pointing out, bike race's are not held in a lab. Out on the road, amid the storms of exhaustion and tactics there were times when it was smarter, more efficient even-to do what riders used to do before heart rate monitors and power meters: to simply, stubbornly ride like hell until the answer is revealed. Because as all bike riders know there are times when the numbers stop working, moments when strength suddenly arrives."

9. Ride at least a few times a week on your own – that way you don’t have to put up with wankers and their rules and you might actually find you like the freedom and sense of being at one with nature that this brings.

10. If you are riding in a group, it should be fun and everyone should be open to getting shit hung on them. If the guys you ride with aren't fun join another group. Life's too short to spend it riding with people who take themselves too seriously.

11. Generally just ignore officious rule enforcers, but there are times you really do have to stand up for what you believe in. As Kenny Rogers says – “sometimes you have to fight to be a man”.

12. If you do actually have to go toe to toe (I am not inciting things here but it does happen) in bike shoes, you will generally find that punching hard and punching straight is the most effective way to go. It is hard to have any credibility when you have gone the massive hay maker and just done a Torvill and Dean, ice skating style pirouette.

Now if some bloke who knows what they are doing takes the time to have a chat to you during a ride and maybe makes a few points that could be seen as advice, It’s maybe not a bad thing to listen to him. He is unlikely to talk about “the rules”, but he is highly likely to have point number 3 above pretty well sussed. Most likely he will look after you if you listen to what he has to say and he is very unlikely to make you feel embarrassed or “unworthy”. He will be the bloke less worried about looking cool and is genuinely just cool. There are usually a few of these guys (or girls) in each bunch. They won't be the loudest.